why do u keep me in this world?

oh lord, why do you keep me in this world?

why cant you just take me away…

in this world where i have constantly hurt people… a world where all my actions are deemed wrong… a world where all my promises are deemed ‘empty’… a world where apparently i have always been lying to… a world where i will never be able to make my loved ones happy… a world where i can hardly hold & recognise myself…

if is in your wills, take me away oh lord… take me away from all these pain and misery…

Can we have love but not forgiveness? Or true forgiveness without love?

how many times can a person make mistakes and expects to be forgiven? how big a mistake can one make and still expects to be forgiven?

forgiveness – an act of releasing the pride within. cos true love has no boundaries, no pride, no thresholds, no anger. thats true love!

in this world, blubs believe true love is all about forgiving the person that truly matters to you.  to pple whom have forgiven blubs for all he has done, thank you for your grace and love. may god truly bless you!! blubs is very very blessed to have known you.

for those whom will not forgive blubs, pls do know blubs understand and will not ever blame you for that. each has their own key to their inner emotions, and you have control over how you want to feel. blubs will not be in any position to be asking for forgiveness cos it may not what one wants to hear or even talk about – be it cos of the severity of the issue or anything else.

a beautiful article from Lynn Woodland extracted from http://www.lightworks.com/MonthlyAspectarian/2000/May/500-20.htm

Without forgiveness we can’t love. From the perspective of spiritual reality, the statements “I love you but don’t forgive you” and “I forgive you but I don’t love you” are impossibilities. Love and forgiveness go hand in hand. We can’t have one without the other.

True forgiveness is not something we do for another person. I often hear people speak of forgiveness as something we give to someone else, something that must be deserved or earned, and sometimes needs to be withheld. The spiritual purpose of forgiveness is self-healing. As long as we are holding anger, resentment and grudges against another person, we are poisoning our bodies with toxicity, lowering our immunity to disease and on subtler levels generating thoughts, expectations and attitudes that repel our highest good. As we hold on to the belief that someone has harmed us so badly that we cannot, will not, forgive, we give power to the part of us that feels vulnerable and susceptible to being harmed. Our lack of forgiveness actually draws more circumstances that will feed our anger and victimization. Lack of forgiveness has been related as a contributing factor to physical illness, excess weight, financial scarcity, failed relationships and a host of other problems. Lack of forgiveness inhibits love, which is the only true source of power. As we withhold forgiveness, we inhibit our power and our very life-force.

Medical intuitive Caroline Myss, who, through her gift of intuitive sight sees the energy patterns that lead to illness, says, “By far the strongest poison to the human spirit is the inability to forgive oneself or another person.”

Now that we have established its importance, what exactly does it mean to forgive? What often makes forgiveness so difficult is that we tend to think of it as a sacrifice, as giving in, giving up, losing our “rightness.” It’s like giving up the chip that says “You owe me.” It seems to discount the pain we felt. Forgiveness is sometimes experienced as letting someone who hurt us off the hook, no longer holding them accountable for their actions.

But forgiveness is not an act of negotiation between two people. It does not begin and end by speaking the words “I forgive you.” Instead, it is an internal state, an ongoing process rather than an act. True forgiveness is not about excusing someone’s hurtful actions. It goes much deeper than this. It is the inner awareness that no harm was done, thus there is, in truth, nothing to forgive.

Most of what passes for forgiveness is rooted in the belief that we are separate and vulnerable and have been harmed. In this way, the act of forgiveness directs the attention of both people to the hurtful act. The forgiver feels self-righteous, the forgiven, guilty. The whole process strengthens both people’s belief in the reality of separateness and harm, and in this way is disempowering to both.

True forgiveness is a shifting of attention away from the hurtful act, not in denial, but in release. It means identifying with the higher part of ourselves that was never harmed so we can see past the illusion of separateness to the reality of Oneness. As we understand ourselves to be one with the person who hurt us, forgiveness becomes self-forgiveness. As we transcend our belief in ourselves as victims, we are able to see the other person differently. Instead of seeing his or her “wrongness” we see the pain that motivated his or her actions. Living from a belief that doing harm brings personal gain is a prison of separateness, powerlessness and pain. Anyone who acts intentionally to harm another is trapped in this painful prison, even if he or she doesn’t recognize it as such. When we understand this, we can more easily feel compassion instead of rage.

As with the idea of “love,” I have heard the concept of forgiveness promoted in spiritual, metaphysical and psychological circles for years as the spiritual thing, the healthy thing, the right thing to do. And, as with teachings on love, I have heard much more on the benefits and reasons to do it than on how to do it. How can we coax our hearts into forgiveness when they feel hardened or broken? Words of forgiveness are worth nothing without truth behind them. Let following help you find a path into the process of forgiving.

Let Go of Victim Scenarios

Write a “victim” scenario. Describe everything that was done to you unjustly, all the ways you have been harmed, every way you are right and the other party is wrong. Next, describe the same scenario from the perspective that it was somehow a great lesson, gift or turning point in your life that served you in some important way. Write this even if you don’t believe it. Take the first scenario of yourself as victim and symbolically release it: burn it, tear it up, bury it or flush it. As you let it go imagine that you are releasing the need to feel victimized. Keep the second scenario and read it every day for at least a week.

See the Reflection of Your Core Beliefs

Instead of focusing attention on the wrong thing that has been done to you, imagine that this painful experience reflects some belief or expectation you have about life. This doesn’t mean you “asked” to be hurt. It means that you learned, probably when you were very young, to expect painful experiences. Release blame, shame and any idea that you have done something wrong and simply look at this situation as a mirror, giving you important information about your core beliefs. Every day for a month, pray to God or your Higher Self for help in stepping out of the hurtful dance you have created with this other person. Pray for help in releasing the beliefs and expectations that call hurt into your life.

If you are working on forgiving a parent or other person from your early childhood who helped to instill your limiting core beliefs about life, you can still see your experience with this person as reflecting some deep level of choice. Imagine that your Higher Self called this relationship into your life for a purpose. For example, if I look at all the pain my alcoholic father caused me in my childhood and early adulthood, I am tempted to feel rage and powerlessness. However when I think of the turns my life took as a direct result of this early pain, I realize that my whole life path with its focus of love and healing was because of my father. From this perspective, I see a higher purpose to our meeting and can actually feel gratitude for this painful experience in my life.

Get to the Root of Displaced Anger

When your anger is toward a group, an institution or society, rather than an individual, it is important to remember that anger is a much weaker power source than love. Many feel that anger is a necessary ingredient for creating change. While anger can motivate action, ultimately, when we give attention to victimization and abuse, we may achieve some sense of victory, but we also perpetuate a reality that includes victims and abusers. The more we motivate ourselves from a place of anger, the more we will continually have to fight victimization.

Being angry at a group often has a feeling of hopelessness built into it. While we may be able to create peace and resolution in relation to one person, doing so with all of society is obviously more difficult. When we often find ourselves angry at “the system” in one form or another, there is usually a person or people from early in our lives we need to forgive. This early hurt, usually related to one or both of our parents or other significant adult care-takers, imbedded within us feelings of anger and powerlessness that we project onto other situations in our lives. We may also find that we have anger toward one or more of the important people in our adult life ¾ a spouse, friend or co-worker — and have displaced this anger onto an impersonal system because we fear the consequences of our anger. It may be easier to face the anger we have toward a faceless system than to deal with the true source of our feeling, which invariably comes back to personal relationships with individuals. However, it is far more manageable to forgive an individual than a system.

When you find yourself angry at a group, find the one individual you most need to forgive. If, for example you are angry at a company where you used to work, focus on the one person you feel the most anger toward. If you are angry at society or other such large institutions where there is no one single individual who stands out, then look to see who in your life you are holding anger toward.

Practice Self-forgiveness

If all approaches to forgiveness feel equally difficult, you probably have at least as much trouble forgiving yourself as you do others. In this case, begin the forgiveness process by forgiving yourself. Make a list of all the things you hold against yourself and begin to say out loud and as written affirmations, “I, (your name), forgive myself for ___________.” Louise Hay suggests looking at yourself in the mirror as you say affirmations of self-love. I find this mirror technique to be especially helpful in working on self-forgiveness.

personal vs professional

blubs feeling a bit ‘violated’…

blubs has always been a person that wants to distinguish personal frens and professional frens.

occasionally, these 2 degrees of frens do cross paths and when it happens, it becomes a melting pot and  it gets a bit touchy esp for blubs.

blubs love his privacy… and he love to have relationships which he views as sacred. which he hopes no one else knows.

but sometimes words spread fast and thats when blubs feel really uncomfortable for what was initially ‘professional frens’ starts to know about blubs ‘personal life’

well, whats done is done… prob blubs is over-touchy yet again.

but one thing remain, personal and professional dun mix.

and for blubs personal life, it will definitely and always remain personal… hopefully.

pride & relationships

What is Pride? (extracted from http://www.mbowden.surf3.net/pride.htm)

IT IS THE ROOT OF ALL OUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS.

Pride is indeed the most far reaching and subtle of all the seven deadly sins and its insidious and wide ranging ramifications fool many Christians into behaving in sinful ways that they are completely unaware of.

Pride is the fear of ‘LOSING FACE’ . Its is an inordinate concern of what other people think of us. A healthy respect for other peoples view of us is only right, but far too often this becomes a controlling factor in our conduct. The great fear of “losing face”, admitting that we are wrong, peer pressure to conform to the groups attitudes, and many other pressures upon us really determines much more of our of behaviour than most are prepared to admit. Yet often we know that the right thing is to actually speak out against the current opinion. But such is the fear of being ostracised, we say nothing.

Pride is about SHYNESS. It is another means of protecting our central self from being exposed to view. We become so concerned that we do not expose any weaknesses, that we then fail to act in a mature way when occasion demands. But the Bible tells us – “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline” [2 Timothy 1 v 7]. Again we see that it is the fear of what others will think of us that dominates out attitudes and actions. We are too concerned not to expose our inner selves lest our central pride is dented.

Pride is about CRITICISM. One of the severest tests of our Christian humility is the way in which we react to any criticism of our behaviour, from wherever it may come. It is not unknown for a “very fine Christian” to explode in anger at the least hint of criticism. It is so very comforting to be encouraged and praised, but what if we are rightly warned that our attitude is not truly Christian? Are we touchy, inclined to sulk, or grumble about others as a countercharge?

Far from resenting correction, we should actually welcome it as a pointer to the right path for the full Christian life. Proverbs 9 v 8 says “Rebuke a mocker and he will hate you. Rebuke a wise man and he will love you.” If we are corrected, the first reaction should be to check whether it is justified. If it is, then we should be grateful and take steps to put our behaviour right. There may however be a good reason for our actions, and then we should discuss the subject freely and present our case, without rancour or aggressive self-defence.

THE FULL CHRISTIAN LIFE As we have suggested, ultimately all personal stress problems, including fear of others and resentment of criticism, stem from pride. We are worried about what others will think of us or what will happen to us. If we are totally God centred in our life, then we should have no worries on either of these two aspects. As a lesson in acceptance of our situations, whatever they may be, we have Paul’s list of difficulties and dangers in 2 Cor.11 v 23-29, yet despite them all, he was continually active, did not wallow in self-pity and was never ‘depressed’ in the way that many are today.

Ultimately, we all will have to take responsibility for the way in which we have dealt with the problems of life, for this is really what this period of earthly trials is for; the means by which the sword of our faith can be sharpened.

We can all recognise someone with an “open” personality; they are generally the most popular in any group. They are interested in you, and are little put out by slurs or aspertions against themselves, usually ignoring them and refusing to take umbrage. They are said to have an ‘outgoing’ personality and seem to have ‘nothing to hide’. This freedom from fear of others leaves them with much more energy available to use in the service of God towards others. Would that we all aimed at such open and outgoing attitudes to life. Indeed, when we recognise this in others, we begin to see how many of our burdens are self imposed.

Christ has indeed commanded us to “..be perfect..”. As he would not have given such an instruction had he known that we could not change, then surely it is the end towards which we must all strive whilst on this earthly pilgrimage. By dealing with all our problems in a truly Biblical way, we can all, without exception, know even now something of the “..love, joy and peace…” which is the fruit of the Spirit [Gal. 5:22].

margaret river

28th april

there were so many thgs blub wanted to do when in perth!
but one thg that blubs def wanted was a trip away into the country area.
margaret river was def the venue of choice! great drive…. and blubs just loved the vast openess.
somethg that gives blubs great sense of inner peace… fr which he gets a lot of energy and drive to live life!
stopped over at some familiar spots – bunbury, choc factory and a new cereal and nuts factory.
it was first time bern has been out of the perth metro area as well!! so did a bit of sightseeing… and of course being a ‘self-proclaimed narcissist’ def took loads of pics!!
managed to find an accommodation at the hilltop studio apartments.
great spot! great accommodation! sleeping, bathing, shitting with open views of the great outdoors!!
and YES- not forgetting…. inner peace!!!

dinner @ hawkers cuisine.
yes. dinner at night with the crazy gang at good ole hawkers cuisine! had the usual with marmite chicken def on the list.

30th april – shopping @ harbour town
sad day… cos its one day to leaving perth.
but returned to harbour town with hope of getting some ‘work clothes’. but only got one shirt.
but overall for the trip, blubs was pretty satisfied with shopping – given the tight budget fr the trip.
hitlist:
1 NIKE Polo Carlton Football cub top – apparently wooden spoonist in AFL in 2006
1 stripe polo top from Jeans West
1 green ‘tight fit’ t-shirt from Jeans West (YES!! blubs first green Tee)
1 pair of ZU shoes (brown pointy shoes… yeah!!!)

some facts:
blubs felt so much more at home when he left the airport

blubs def missed perth a lot!!
perth is def more home to blubs than SG is!!

blubs did not want to leave for SG – so much that he nearly missed the flight back. (without knowing the check-in counters closed 45mins before departure, blubs arrived with only 30 mins to spare. the check-in counter was actually closing… and blubs was def close to not being able to leave for SG. well, if not for the job, blubs would def entertain the idea of staying on in perth!!

BLUBS MISSES PERTH!!!

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!!!

27th april – Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!!!
Surprise #1
its been a few wks since blubs saw bern! its been really hard maintaining another LDR. dunno why – its been really really hard. probably cos blubs have been struggling with having to leave perth and to be away fr someone he loves so early in the relationship. LDR was def not somethg blubs was looking at before he embarked on this new journey…. but he has since made his mind and will commit to making this work.

anyway, blubs went thru immigration without any glitches. had a few looks fr the immigration officer,which had blubs breaking into bt of a cold sweat. but once he gave that ‘stamp of freedom’ blubs knew he had succeeded and he is IN PERTH!!!

william picked blubs fr the airport and set up a plan to give bern a huge surprise. she did not know blubs was coming bk…. so the plan was for will to arrange to ‘pass bern some stuff’. at her place, blubs hid behind the thrashbin waiting for will to give the call for her to come out of the house for a massive surprise. blubs never heard anyone screamed so lot – so much so that blubs was not sure if the scream was more a ‘scream of surprise’ or a ‘scream of fear’ of someone running behind her!! hahahah!! blubs love giving surprises AND receiving them of course!!! (* hint hint )

Surprise #2
ALI had arranged for the MRF gang to meet up at Milligans for some ‘surprises’. he did not tell anyone what it was. blubs appeared at good ole milligans for a good drink in most perfect of conditions!! enjoying a glass of beer without having to break into a sweat!!! good ole times!! great ole memories!!

Surprise #3
william had arranged for the rest of the perth crazy gang to meet up at The Royal for a ‘farewell dinner’ – for he was ‘ leaving for S Africa to work in some mine site’ hahaha!! what mine site!?

everyone pretty much got fooled!! hahaha!! when blubs appeared, everyone had the bigget shock ever. should have taken a pic of everyone’s look, esp loonster!! hahaha!! guess i was the last person on earth everyone was expecting to see and probably was the last person anyone wants to see as well!! hehehe!!

good night!! great food! first or ghau for a long time with or ghau buddy!!! was great catching up with the rest of the pple! blubs felt so good to be back in perth! the weather was the best!

return to perth

27th april
5am
could not really get to sleep. woke up early to finalise my packing for my short trip to perth.
YES pples! I am returning to perth!!
finally! after 6 wks in humid SG, i am finally going bk and i cannot be more excited.

There are few uncertainties and worries though… my student visa status was till unknown. blubs thot it could have been cancelled… had tried applying for ETA (tourist visa) but twice the system came up with a note to say that student visa still valid. okie… so all’s clear at this end. what about perth side… hmmm thats the biggest uncertainty…… but guess blubs so much wanted to go bk perth that he could not really be bothered about the ‘risk’ he is taking.

454 km fr perth… captain’s calling and my mind is just set onto a huge party i am going to have… enjoying a nice reprieve from the yucky weather in Singapore.
its definitely a good time away from work (ermm.. just 6 wks and i am already on leave!! or rather off-in-lieu. all thks to a very wonderful boss of mine! i dun think i can be any luckier to get such a great person to work with for my first official job. more about jobs in my next blog probably

plans when i touch down?
hmm surprise surprise surprise….. that is provided immi dun give me any nasty surprises in the first place.

well head count as to who knows i am back…. william, MMG, and ALi!!
all of which has very kindly helped me arrange for a very big surprise for all the pple bk ‘HOME’… ppl whom blubs have missed heaps!!
and yes! these 6wks in SG has made me realise that i am just not MADE FOR SG!
i really missed perth a lot and has begun to identify perth / australia as my home already. a place i would really like to live the rest of my life.
career’s good in SG but if i am not truly happy… there’s really no meaning in life after all is there.
we only get to live once and i want to get this chance to be truly happy with my life… for if i am happy, i believe i can make pple happy. i want to find the TRUE blubs again… the good ole blubs that has gone missing since he returned to SG… or prob a good ole blubs that does not appear in a humid weather like those in SG.

i will pray each day that god gives me the opportunity to get bk permanently to perth one day… or to leave SG to anywhere else…. that is my only aim in life now.
everything else will fall into place… hopefully…..

for now, its OR GHAU TIME!!
PARTAE ON ppl!

how do i live without you?

shithole SillyPOre!!!

5 wks since blubber has returned to ‘PAP Lee influenced communistic-land!!’

never once has blubber been really happy with life here.

YES!!! blubber is definitely feeling refreshed not having whale-hunter breathing down my neck each week. its definitely something that is giving blubber lots of space and ‘recharging’ blubber’s PhD career slowly.

but there’s been so many thgs happening around blubber…. since blubber set foot on this tiny shit-hole with most humid weather and ppl with the most primitive and conservative of thinking about life!!! its things like these that hasnt helped at all with blubber settling back in SG.

there’s seriously nothing that will keep blubber back here. everyone here, family and friends have disappointed blubber so much that blubber has lost faith in all of them! they seem to support you only in good times and when u do things that do not conform to ‘their beliefs’ they seem to distance away from you!!!! fuck your beliefs!!! you have your beliefs and i have mine… too bad yours does not conform to mine. so move on!! open up!! and stop being influenced by this communistic society and be dictated by the lee family!

SGreans are indeed the most KAYPO bunch of crap shit pple!! so much so that they want a piece of your life and they want to own it and rule how you live it!!

i say this once again (you know who you are!!): “GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF MY LIFE! DUN TELL ME WHAT TO DO. AND HOW I SHOULD RUN MY FUCKING LIFE!!! YOU ARE EITHER WITH ME OR YOU CAN JUMP SHIP FOR ALL YOU LIKE!! I DUN FUCKING CARE!! IT’S MY LIFE AND I DECIDE HOW I WANT TO LIVE IT. ACCEPT IT!!! YOU ARE WITH ME, YOU ACCEPT WHO I AM AND WHOM I WILL BE WITH!!! TAKE IT OR LIVE IT!!!”

on a brighter note, blubber-job has been fantastic… great opportunities. thats the only thing that is keeping blubber here. if not for this, blubber will take the first boat out of here; regardless of what happens!! NO REGRETS at all till the day ‘harry lee’ dies, blubber will be the first to come back to celebrate!!!!

blubber def misses kangaloo-land heaps!! minus whale hunter of course! blubber is always on the lookout of heading back to kangaoo-land… and ‘disappear into a world of my own’… leaving everything behind here in this unpleasant place… a place i will hold fondest memories of… ‘cept to those pple whom havent been supporting me.. why should i rembr you when u havent even been thru thick and thin with me!! u can get the hell out of my life for all you want. that way you can can take care of your own life and me my own life!!

a toad trapped in a well

feeling like a toad trapped in a well, struggling to return to where i ‘fell’

true feelings i cannot tell, of which honesty will only bring my life more hell.

keeping it and pretending to be happy is the way to go, lest it incur the wrath of many that loves me so.

depressed freak i may seem to be, but am i wrong to really know where i want to be.

loving is all about sharing, but now i really fear about what i am saying.

carefully mincing each words i will, making sure there is a happy element in every conversation.

TRUE happiness it may not be, but least it is what makes true love happy.

feeling trapped and alone, guess i will fight this war alone.